The framing effect: how we mentally characterize a situation has a profound impact on how we respond to it emotionally

It is helpful to recall that although other people are responsible for many of the setbacks you experience, you are likewise responsible for many of theirs

One sign of maturity is a realization of the extend to which you, either intentionally or unintentionally, make life difficult for those around you

“We are bad men living among bad men; and only one thing can calm us—we must agree to go easy on one another.” - Seneca

If you drew up a list of the people who have caused you setbacks, you would have to put yourself on that list, probably at the top

Getting frustrated in response to a setback only makes things worse

“Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are.” - Theodore Roosevelt

When the number of options available is limited, it is foolish to fuss and fret. We should instead simply choose the best of them and get on with life. To behave otherwise is to waste precious time and energy

Resilient individuals bounce back quickly—or better still, they don't get upset by the setback, looking strong and even heroic—when they encounter a setback

Fragile individuals become flustered, angry, or even despondent when encountering a setback and tend to be unhappy, and their friends and relatives may pity them rather than admire them

Keep calm and carry on

Being a victim relieves you of responsibility for many of the aspects of your life that have gone wrong. It entitles you to special treatment. Though, playing the role of victim is likely to increase the anguish you experience as the result of the wrongs that are done you. You will feel emotionally helpless

A resilient person will refuse to play the role of victim. They are strong and capable. They may not be able to control whether they are a target of injustice, but they have considerable control over how they respond to being targeted. They can let it ruin their day and possibly their life, or they can respond to it bravely, remaining upbeat while they look for workarounds to the obstacles that people have wrongly placed in their path

The Stoic test strategy: setbacks we experience are not simply undeserved tribulations but tests of our ingenuity and resilience, administered by imaginary Stoic gods. To pass these tests, we must not only come up with effective workarounds to setbacks but must also, while doing so, avoid the onset of negative emotions

Almost regardless of how bad things are, they could be worse, and this alone is reason to give thanks

“Another person will not do you harm unless you wish it; you will be harmed at just that time at which you take yourself to be harmed.” - Epictetus

“What upsets people is not things themselves but their judgments about the things.” - Epictetus

“It is not how the wrong is done that matters, but how it is taken.” - Seneca

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” - Marcus Aurelius

While our subconscious mind is inclined to frame events in ways that trigger negative emotions, we can substantially undermine that tendency by consciously reframing events

Frame an incident as incompetence rather than malice, and the emotion you subsequently experience might be pity rather than anger

Whereas most people valued fame and fortune, a Stoic's primary goal in life was to attain and then maintain tranquility

When people judge others, they do so in accordance with their own values, not in accordance with the values of the people they are judging. Therefore, ignore the praise of others, so it is pointless to go out of your way to gain praise from others

Lots of people respond to insults by getting angry, and the insult thereby sets them back. A better response is simply to laugh. By doing so, we not only forestall anger in ourselves but make the person who insulted us look like a fool

When you experience a setback, you are faced with not one challenge but two, and the second—preventing a flood of negative emotions—is usually more critical than the first

“You must not harbor anger. You must be willing to suffer the anger of the opponent, and yet not return anger. You must not become bitter. No matter how emotional your opponents are, you must be calm.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

Anger can cloud our judgement, causing us to do foolish things and blinding us to possible solutions

“Nature requires from us some sorrow but more than this is the result of vanity.” - Seneca

In some cases, the anguish a person experiences after a death is motivated more by feelings of guilt than by grief

Since we don’t have it in our power to resurrect the dead, we are wasting our time mourning their passing excessively. To the extent possible, we should accept their death and get on with life

“A msn needs to be put to the test if he is to gain self-knowledge and only by trying fire he learn what his capacities are.” - Seneca

Excellence withers without an adversary

The key thing is that we assume that we are being tested for our own good

By framing the setback as a test of our resilience and ingenuity, we could note only prevent the onset of negative emotions but transform the setback into a challenge that we might enjoy undertaking

“Nothing seems to me more unhappy than the man who has no experience of adversity.” - Demetrius

In the absence of adversity, a wise man will become restless

The key to success is to take one more stroke, and then, when I have finished it, take another

By not acknowledging a failure, they fail to learn from it, and one failure thereby becomes two

From a cultural point of view, it’s more important to praise the people for the nine times they fail than for the one time they succeed

If we make a point of exposing ourselves to things that make us either physically or emotionally uncomfortable, we can train ourselves to be comfortable with them and thereby expand our comfort zone

“Barley porridge, or a crust of barley bread, and water do not make a very cheerful diet, but nothing gives one keener pleasure than the ability to derive pleasure even from that.” - Seneca

“When mind and body have been corrupted by pleasure, nothing seems bearable—not because the things which you suffer are hard, but because you are soft.” - Seneca

Since you have a finite number of days left to you, they are precious, and it would be foolish to waste them

We should do what we can to help those around us have better lives

Encourage others to rethink their way of living. Remind those around you that inasmuch as they have only one life to live, they are foolish to waste even a moment of it being miserable when they have it in their power to experience delight

As long as your continued existence can help others, Stoics would regard it as cowardly to commit suicide