How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

Introduction

There's a fundamental idea in psychology and medicine that the path your life takes depends on just three causes: how you manage your challenges, protect your vulnerabilities, and increase your resources. These causes are located in three places: your world, your body, and your mind. When you combine the causes and the places, there are nine ways to make your life better.

Mental resources like determination, self-worth, and kindness are what make us resilient: able to cope with adversity and push through challenges in the pursuit of opportunities.

You must work the brain the same way you would work a muscle to change it for good: lots of little efforts add up over time.

Every human being has three basic needs— safety, satisfaction, and connection-that are grounded in our ancient evolutionary history.

Part 1: Recognizing

Chapter 1: Compassion

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?” - Rabbi Hillel

Compassion is the recognition of pain with the desire to relieve it.

Compassion for yourself is fundamental, since if you don't care how you feel and want to do something about it, it's hard to make an effort to become happier and more resilient.

Bring to mind a time when you were on somebody's side: perhaps a child you were protecting, a friend you were encouraging, or an aging parent with health issues. Recall what this felt like in your body—in the set of your shoulders, in the expression on your face. Recall some of your thoughts and feelings—-perhaps caring, de-termination, even a fierce intensity. Then, knowing what it's like to be on someone's side, apply this attitude to yourself. Get a sense of being an ally to yourself-someone who will look out for you, help you, protect you. Recognize that you have rights and needs that matter. It's normal if other reactions come up, such as feeling unworthy. Just notice and disengage from them, and then come back to the sense of wishing yourself well. Focus on this experience, and stay with it for a couple breaths or longer. Bring to mind times when you were really on your own side. Perhaps you were encouraging yourself during a tough period at work or speaking up to someone who hurt you. Get a sense of what that was like, emotionally and in your body. Remember some of the thoughts you had, such as 'It's only fair for others to help, too.' Stay with this experience and let it fill your mind. Know what it's like to be committed to your own well-being. Let the feelings, thoughts, and intentions of being a true friend to yourself sink in, becoming a part of you.

When we treat others with respect and caring, the best in them usually comes out. Much the same would happen if we could treat ourselves the same way.

When people increase their own well-being, they usually become more patient, cooperative, and caring in their relationships.

Lasting internal strength: first, experience what you want to develop in yourself-such as compassion or gratitude and second, focus on it and keep it going to increase its consolidation in your nervous system.

Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: 'There is a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in.' Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.

Bring to mind times you have felt cared about by people, pets, or spiritualbeings, in your life today or in your past. Any kind of caring for you counts, such as times you were included, seen, appreciated, liked, or loved. Relax and open yourselfto feeling cared about. If you get distracted, just come back to feeling cared about. Stay with these feelings and sense them sinking in, like water into a sponge. Then think about one or more people you have compassion for-perhaps a child in pain, a friend going through a divorce, or refugees on the other side of the world. Get a sense of their burdens, worries, and suffering. Feel a warmheartedness, a sympathetic concern. You could put a hand on your heart and have thoughts such as, 'May your pain ease…may you find work…..may you get through this illness.' Give yourself over to compassion, letting it fill you and flow through you. Knowing what compassion feels like, apply it to yourself. Recognize any ways you feel stressed, tired, ill, mistreated, or unhappy. Then bring compassion to yourself as you would to a friend who felt like you do. Know that everyone suffers and that you are not alone in your pain. Perhaps place a hand on your heart or your cheek. Depending on what has happened, you could think, 'May I not suffer...may these hurt feelings pass…...may I not worry so much…..may I heal from this illness.' Imagine compassion like a gentle warm rain coming down into you, touching and soothing the weary, hurting, longing places inside.

Sometimes it is skillful to nudge thoughts and feelings in a healthier, happier direction. But that only works if we accept our reactions in the first place.

If we don't accept what's true about ourselves, we won't see it clearly, and if we don't see it clearly, we'll be less able to deal with it.

Look around and find something that exists—and accept it. Know what it feels like to accept something. Think about a friend, and different aspects of this person. Explore what it's like to accept these aspects of your friend. See if you can feel an easing, opening, and calming as a result. Be aware of your experience. Try to accept whatever you are experiencing without adding anything to it. Can you accept the sensations of breathing as they are? If judgments corne up, can you accept these, too? Try saying little things to yourself like 'I accept this thought' or 'I accept this pain' or 'I accept that I feel grateful-or sad.' If there is resistance to something, can you accept that resistance? If certain parts of your experience are challenging, recall the sense of being on your own side and the feeling of self-compassion. Be aware of acceptance as an experience itself, an attitude or orientation toward things that sees without turning away, that receives withour resisting. Let acceptance spread inside you. Be aware of different parts of yourself, ones you like and ones you don't. You could name some to yourself: 'There is a part that enjoys sweets...a part that is lonely...a part that is critical..a part that feels young...a part that wants love.' Then explore accepting the fact of these parts, beginning with the easier ones. If certain things are hard to accept, that's normal and all right, and you can come back to them later if you want. You could say to yourself things like 'I accept the part of me that loves my children..L accept the part of me that leaves dishes in the sink...I accept the part of me that was bullied in school...I accept the part of me that is resentful.' Acceptance could feel like a softening inside, an opening to and including of various parts of yourself. You might put your arms around yourself, embracing all of you. Sink into selfacceptance as it sinks into you.

It's usually the little things adding up over time that make the largest difference.

'If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves.'

Chapter 2: Mindfulness

Being mindful means staying present in this moment as it is, moment after moment, rather than daydreaming, ruminating, or being distracted.

The basic needs we all have: to be safe, satisfied, and connected.

Mindfulness can help you respond to challenging conditions with an underlying sense of peace, content-ment, and love instead of reacting to them from a place of fear, frustration, and hurt.

Your experiences depend on what you’re paying attention to.

There's an old saying: 'You become what you eat.' That's true for the body, but you—the person you are gradually become what your attention rests upon. Can you keep your attention on the many things that are useful and enjoyable in your day, drawing them into yourself? Or do you get preoccupied with worries, selfcriticism, and re-sentments, making these a part of yourself?

Mindfulness is the key to regulating your attention so that you get the most out of beneficial experiences while limiting the impact of stressful, harmful ones. It enables you to recognize where your attention has gone.

Mindfulness is not trying to change your experience or behavior. It is receptive and accepting, not judging or directing.

Try to get faster at noticing when your attention wanders. For example, you could set your phone to chime softly at random times to remind you to be mindful throughout your day. With a little practice, you will already be centered in the present moment the next time the chime sounds.

Try to slow down and do one thing at a time with your full attention.

Tune into your breathing while talking with others or doing tasks.

The best meditation is the one that a person will actually, consistently, do.

Set aside a few minutes or more in a quiet place. Find a comfortable posture while sitting, standing, or lying down. Or you could walk slowly, perhaps back and forth in a room. Focus on something that will help you stay present, such as a sensation, a word, an image, or a feeling. Here I'll use the breath; adapt my suggestions if you use another object of attention. Be aware of the sensations of breathing in your face, chest, stomach, or body in general. Apply attention to the beginning of an inhalation, sustain awareness over the course of it, and then apply and sustain attention to the exhalation...breath after breath. If it helps, in the back of your mind count each full breath up to four or perhaps ten, and start over again; if you lose track of the count, just start over with one. Or use soft words to yourself, such as 'in…out…rising falling.' If your mind wanders, that's normal; when you notice it, simply return to your object of attention. As you breathe, relax. Sounds and thoughts, memories and feelings, will come and go, passing through awareness. You are not trying to silence your mind. Rather, you are disengaging from distractions, neither resisting things that are unpleasant nor following after things that are pleasant. You are settling into simply being in the present, letting go of the past and not fearing or planning the future. Nothing to fix, no other place to go, no one you have to be. Rest and relax as a whole body breathing. Without strain or stress, see if you can open to a growing peacefulness. Then at your own pace, see if you can find a sense of contentment. And when you like, open to a feeling of love. Other things may be present in awareness, such as pain or worry, and that's all right. Let them be while you remain aware of the breath, perhaps with a growing sense of overall well-being. During the meditation, feel relaxation and other beneficial experiences sinking into you, becoming a part of you. As you approach the end of this practice, let yourself really receive whatever has been beneficial in it.

A refuge is anything that protects, nurtures, or uplifts you. Life can be hard, and everyone has difficult, uncomfortable experiences. We all need refuges.

Pick something that is a refuge for you, such as the image of a beautiful meadow, the memory of a loved one, or the wisdom in a saying. Open to feelings and sensations related to this refuge. Get a sense of having a refuge, and stay with this experience and let it in. Try naming the refuge to yourself, such as 'I take refuge in this feels, and allow the sense of refuge to grow inside you. Try this naming with other refuges. Explore relating to a refuge not as something 'over there' that's separate from you, but rather as something already present in you. You could say to yourself things like 'May I come from Try taking refuge in gratitude...in the feeling of being liked by people who do care about you...in the sense of your kindness and decency...in anything else you want. Give over to your refuges. Let them live you.

Go at your own pace. #100

Every living creature-including a big, complicated human one—is motivated to pursue its wants and satisfy its needs. Wanting is fundamental and inescapable. Consequently, a deepening awareness of your wants and needs-and your thoughts and feelings about them-can help you meet them more effectively and accept yourself more fully.

Your three needs

We need safety, from raw survival to knowing we won't be attacked if we speak up. We fulfill this need by avoiding harms, such as not touching a hot stove or steering clear of certain people.

Notice when you feel uneasy, irritated, or overwhelmed. See if any beliefs that may not actually be true are making you anxious. When it feels right, shift into letting go and letting in, such as finding refuges and settling as best you can into a place of peace.

We need satisfaction, from having enough to eat to feeling that life is worth living. We handle this by approaching rewards, such as smelling the roses, finishing the laundry, or building a business.

Be aware of any feelings of boredom, disappointment, frustration, or loss. After you've explored this experience, you could think of things you're grateful for or glad about. See if you can find a sense of contentment.

We need connection, from expressing sexuality to feeling worthy and loved. We take care of this need by attaching to others, such as by texting a friend, feeling understood, or giving compassion.

Notice when you feel hurt, resentment, envy, loneliness, or inadequacy. Then recall times when you felt cared about-and times when you felt friendly or caring yourself. Rest in love flowing in and flowing out.

Shift into letting go. Understand that Reactive thoughts and feelings are generally not good for you—and others as well. Decide whether you want to hold on to these thoughts and feelings or release them. Exhale slowly, and relax your body. Let feelings flow. As appropriate, cry, yell, grumble with a sympathetic friend, or simply sense that anxiety, irritation, and hurt are draining out of you. Be skeptical of the assumptions, expectations, or beliefs that made you worried, stressed, frustrated, or angry. Consider the meanings you gave to situations or how you interpreted the intentions of others, and let go of whatever is untrue, needlessly alarmist, or mean-spirited. Be mindful of the sense of leaving the Reactive mode.

There are three major ways to relate to and engage the mind usefully: be with it, decrease what is painful and harmful, and increase what is enjoyable and beneficial.

Well-being comes from meeting our needs, not denying them. When we experience that our needs are sufficiently met, the body and mind enter the 'green zone' Responsive mode, and there is a sense of peace, contentment, and love. When needs feel unmet, we're disturbed into the fight-flight-freeze 'red zone' Reactive mode, and there is a sense of fear, frustration, and hurt.

To stay in the green zone, take in experiences of your needs being met, which will grow inner resources. Then you can handle larger and larger challenges with resilient well-being.

Chapter 3: Learning

“Think not lightly of good, saying. 'It will not come to me.' Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise one, gathering it little by little, fills oneself with good.” - The Dhammapada

HEAL: 1. Have a beneficial experience: Notice it or create it. 2. Enrich it: Stay with it, feeling it fully. 3. Absorb it: Receive it into yourself. 4. Link it (optional): Use it to soothe and replace painful, harmful psychological material.

Our experiences are built from five elements: thoughts (e.g., beliefs, images), perceptions (e.g., sensations, sounds), emotions (feel-ings, moods), desires (e.g., values, intentions), and actions (the sense of posture, facial expressions, movement, or behavior).

This practice focuses on gladness, but you can apply the methods in it to any experience you'd like to create for yourself. Think of something—a fact—that you are glad about. It could be small or large, in the present or in the past. It could be a thing, an event, an ongoing condition, or a relationship. It could be a spiritual being or the entire universe. Be aware of your body and open to gladness...gratitude...comfort...happiness. There could be an easing of tension, a letting go of stress or disappointment. Explore different elements of the experience. Be aware of thoughts such as 'I'm fortunate'...perceptions, especially body sensations...emotions like delight or quiet joy...desires, perhaps to give thanks...and actions such as a soft smile. Think of other things that you are glad about. Help the knowledge of them to become a rich experience by using the suggestions just above.

5 ways to enrich an experience: lengthen it, intensify it, expand it, freshen it, value it.

Bring to mind someone you naturally care about, such as a friend, child, partner, or pet. Help yourself have a sense of warmth, liking, appreciation, compassion, or love. Once you are having an experience of caring, start to enrich it. Lengthen it by disengaging from distractions and coming back to it if your mind wanders; keep it going breath after breath. Open to this experience, letting it fill you, becoming more intense. Expand it by exploring different aspects of caring: thoughts...sensations... emotions...desires...actions (such as putting a hand on your heart). Bring an attitude of curiosity to help the experience stay fresh and vivid. Consider how the sense of caring could be important for you, relevant, and valuable. Then focus on absorbing it. Consciously intend to receive this experience into yourself. Sense these warm feelings spreading inside, becoming a part of you. Look for what feels good about being caring: how it is enjoyable, heart-opening, and re-warding. Sink into caring as it sinks into you.

People are unhappy because they don't feel comfortable, safe, successful, and satisfied.

Part 2: Resourcing

Chapter 4: Grit

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” - Viktor Frankl

In terms of responsibility, it's on each of us to tend to the causes that we can influence, to use the agency that we do have. Take some time to consider major areas of your life, such as health and relationships, and look for simple realistic things you could do that would cause them to improve.

The truth is, ten thousand causes upstream of this moment are bringing it into being, and most of them are beyond anyone's control. Recognizing this fact and accepting it may feel initially alarming, like being swept along down a river. But as you get used to it, you could feel an easing of tension and drivenness, and a growing serenity.

Even if your efforts don't pay off, you'll know in your heart that you tried, and that in itself feels honorable and comforting.

It's usually the small, undramatic, sustained efforts over time that make the most difference.

If a person doesn't like his or her body, it's harder to take good care of it; then vitality declines, and with it, grit and resilience. We need to accept, appreciate, and nurture the body, and treat it more like a friend than a disposable beast.

We worry about what others are thinking about how we look, but usually they are thinking about it about as much as we are thinking about their appearance...not much at all!

As with any practice, adapt this to your needs, take good care of yourself, and disengage from anything that is too uncomfortable. Take a few breaths, relax, and get a sense of being on your own side. Bring to mind others who appreciate, like, or love you, and open yourself to feeling cared about. Imagine your life as a kind of movie, starting when you were very young and moving forward to the present. Watching this movie, see some of the ways that your body has protected and served you. Even if it has had limitations, disabilities, or illnesses, it has still taken care of you in so many ways. Imagine your body saying how it has helped you, such as: 'I grew eyes so you could see...I built a marvelous brain so you could think and dream...my arms and hands have let you hold those you love...I've enabled you to walk and work, dance and sing, and enjoy so much pleasure.' Scan the major parts of your body from feet to head. See if you can appreciate each one of them, perhaps saying to yourself things like: 'Feet, thank you for carrying me along...Thighs, you've done your job countless times and I'm very grateful... Heart and lungs, all those beats and breaths, oh my goodness I so appreciate you... Hands and hips, I accept you as you are...Chest and arms, neck and shoulders, head and hair, thank you for everything you've done for me.' Imagine your body in the days to come. See yourself in different situations over the next year-perhaps with friends, at work, or at family gatherings-and imagine that you completely accept your body in them...imagine that you really appreciate your body in them. imagine that you enjoy your body in these situations. Be aware of how good it would feel to relate to your body in these ways. Let these good feelings sink into you as you sink into them.

If there's something you know you should do but you're not doing it, pause and think about the consequences: for what you feel like on a typical day...for other people...for yourself in a year or ten or twenty... for how long and how well you want to live.

People commonly put off improving their personal health practices. It's so easy to say, 'I'll start to-morrow.' But the tomorrows keep adding up, and the years go by. Then something comes along— an injury, a serious illness, or a major stressor— that lands hard on a weakened constitution, like a tree branch falling on a house hollowed out by ter-mites. It's motivating, not morbid, to realize that we're all running out of runway, that it's time to change something that could add quality years to your life.

Your odds of success go up dramatically when you 'tend to the causes' in three ways: recognize the need for a change, take appropriate actions, and internalize experiences of the rewards that come to you. Keep watering the tree, and most likely it will bear you good fruit.

How you feel about and treat your body affects your health and vitality, and these in turn affect your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Just as you probably don't care much about what others look like, most if not all people are not critical of your body. Accept your body for what it is, and focus on what you appreciate about it.

Don't put off sensible actions for your physical health. It's always easy to start tomorrow. Instead, ask yourself, 'What can I do today?'

Chapter 5: Gratitude

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” — A. A. Milne

Take a breath and relax. Think of someone you really appreciate. What are some of the things that this person has given to you? Let these memories become feelings of thankfulness, and let those feelings sink in. Think about what has been fortunate in your life, such as your natural talents... when or where you were born..who your parents were...good luck that has come to you. Without taking away from your own efforts, open to feeling thankful for your good fortune. Consider the world of nature: flowers...trees...flocks of birds... all the life in the ocean. In your mind or out loud, see what happens when you say 'thank you.' Let your thanks fill your heart and ripple outward. Consider some of the many objects you use in a day that have been made by or invented by other people, often long ago: wheels...safety pins and smartphones... soy sauce...streetlights and stop signs...zippers and belt buckles. Handed to you, gifted to you...deserving of your thanks. Step back and think about all the things that have happened to bring our Milky Way galaxy into being...our solar system...our own sweet planet...life emerging over 3 billion years ago...our own human species appearing...your grandparents being born…..and having children...who met and had you. So many things coming together to bring you into being. Looking upstream at the river of time, you can see so many things to be thankful for. Wow. Thank you.

If you use the HEAL steps to repeatedly internalize experiences of pleasure, over time you will feel increasingly pleased from the inside out. This will help to reduce desires for pleasure from the outside in.

'Many of us pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that we hurry past it.' - Søren Kierkegaard

Taking pleasure is itself an expression of agency. Even in the worst of times, there are opportunities for simple pleasures: a sip of water in a parched mouth, the call of a bird, a memory of kindness, a blade of green grass reaching up through a crack in a dirty sidewalk.

It feels good to accept yourself, and to let go of thoughts and feelings that have been painful.

Some of the deepest pleasures are moral: a feeling of integrity, knowing that you have done the right thing when it was hard to do.

Living is inherently goal-dir-ected. Experiences of meeting your goals feel good, lower stress, and build positive motivation. They reassure you that you're making progress, which helps you stay in the Responsive mode-in the green zone-as you go through your day. There are outcome goals such as getting out of bed in the morning, coming to a good understanding with someone at work, and washing the dishes after dinner. And there are process goals-ongoing values and aims-such as being honest, learning and growing, and taking care of your health.

Felling like a success deep down can help people lighten up and take themselves less seriously.

Take a few breaths and relax. Get a sense of being on your own side. Bring to mind some small outcome goals you've already accomplished today, such as getting out ofbed, drinking water, and doing tasks at home or work. Help yourself feel successful at accomplishing these. Open to related feelings of pleasure, reassurance, and worth. Enrich these experiences by sustaining them..feeling them in your body... recognizing what could be personally important about them. Absorb these experiences by sensing them sinking into you, becoming a part of you...focusing on what is enjoyable about them. Recognize progress toward big outcomes such as planting a garden, getting to know a new friend, or preparing for a promotion at work. Let this recognition become an experience of success, and take this into yourself. Be aware of fulfilling ongoing process goals such as still breathing, still going on living..being warmhearted and fair-minded...making efforts...enjoying life. Open to a sense of success and related feelings such as contentment. As you experience a sense of success, you can use the Link step to connect it with 'negative material' such as disappointments, worries, tension and drivenness, or feeling inadequate. Keep the sense of success prominent in the forefront of aware-ness, and drop the negative material if it grabs you. Imagine the positive making contact with the negative, sifting down into frustrated places inside, perhaps reaching down into experiences of failure when you were younger. Let the sense of success calm, soothe, and bring perspective to the negative material. As you finish, let go of anything negative and simply focus on the sense of success.

“If you can be happy when others are happy, you can always be happy, since there is always someone somewhere who is happy.” - Dalai Lama

The more you feel already full of pleasure, the less you'll strain for it outside yourself.

Look for opportunities to feel successful many times each day. Take in these experiences and use them to compensate for and heal feelings of failure or inadequacy.

Chapter 6: Confidence

“Too many people over value what they are not and under value what they are.” - Malcolm Forbes

It is our biological nature to need to feel cared about. In fact, we need to feel that we're worth being cared about.

Caring comes in five major forms, with increasing intensity: being in-cluded, seen, appreciated, liked, and loved. Each one of these is an opportunity to feel cared about.

Think of people who matter to you. Be mindful of what it's like to feel caring toward them. See some of the ways that it is good for them to feel cared about. Turn it around and consider that it is good for you to feel cared about and that it is normal and all right for you to want this. Think of beings who care about you today, or who have cared about you in the past. They could be individuals, a group of people, a pet, or a spiritual consciousness. Any form of caring counts. Recognize the fact that you are currently cared about in various ways and that you have been cared about. Let your knowing of this fact become an experience of feeling included..seen.appreciated...liked..loved. Focus on the sense of being cared about. If other thoughts and feelings come up, disengage from them and return attention to feeling cared about. Enrich this experience by protecting it and keeping it going. Feel it in your body, perhaps with a hand on your heart. Notice what feels reassuring, comforting, or enjoyable about this experience. If you like, use the Link step to connect this sense of being cared about with feelings ofbeing left out or mistreated, inadequate or ashamed. Imagine that you are receiving caring into soft, yearning, young places inside. Take caring into yourself like a soothing balm for hurts and wounds. Know that you are worth being cared about; let this knowledge spread inside you like light moving into shadows of self-doubt. As always with Linking, emphasize the positive material, drop the negative if it's too powerful, and finish by focusing only on positive material.

Adapt these questions to your own background. For many of them, you won't have specific recollections, but you could have a sense in your body or an intuition about the answer. You might also have a good guess from what you know about your childhood, perhaps from other people. Try to bring compassion to anything that is painful or upsetting. What was it like in grade school? Did you feel popular? What kind of friends did you have? Did you feel included? Were you bullied? What was it like to be a teenager? Did you feel confident or insecure? How did the changes in your body affect you socially? How did you get along with your parents? Did you feel seen and supported by them? Looking back, what else made a big difference for you? Perhaps a divorce, frequent moves, financial problems, major illness or death in the family, a sibling with special needs, or a larger context of poverty or prejudice? Did anything traumatic happen to you, including abuse, injury, or shocking loss? Were there any people who especially protected or nurtured you, such as a grandparent, teacher, or best friend? How has all this affected you and your relationships? How are you still affected today?

Knowing in your heart that you are a basically good person is a true refuge. No matter the ups and downs of successes and failures, loves and losses, you can find comfort and strength in this knowledge. Independent of all achievements, fame, and fortune, there is always goodness in the core of your being.

The inner critic tries to be helpful but goes overboard with scolding and shaming. This erodes self-worth and makes it harder to bounce back from disappointment or failure. Strengthen the inner nurturer and then push back against the inner critic.

Part 3: Regulating

Chapter 7: Calm

“You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.” - Pema Chödrön

“Calm people love, tense people die.” - Adam Savage

The parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) manages exhaling and slows your heart rate, while the sympathetic nervous system handles inhaling and speeds up the heart. If you lengthen your ex-halation, that naturally engages the PNS.

Anxiety feels bad, and it's stressful and fatiguing. Flooded with false alarms, it's easy to miss real threats, especially those that grow slowly over time, such as an emotional distance creeping into a marriage. Feeling anxious, we can overreact and become threatening to others, who overreact themselves and confirm our fears. Needless fear makes us shift resources from approaching opportunities to avoiding exaggerated threats. Anxiety increases defensiveness, paralysis by analysis, and immobilization. In rela-tionships, fear makes people cling more tightly to 'us' while being more suspicious and aggressive toward 'them.' All of this makes a person less resilient.

It's important not to suppress fear or overlook what it's trying to tell you. Reasonable concerns are your friend, keeping you out of potentially dangerous situations.

“Painful feelings arose, but they did not invade my mind and remain.” - Buddha

Take some breaths, and relax. Be mindful of any tension, uneasiness, or worry. Step back from any anxiety and observe it. Let it be, and let it come and go. Let fear in any form move to the background of awareness. In the foreground, bring to mind things that protect you. Be aware of the solidity of the floor beneath your feet, the stability of a chair, the sheltering of a roof over your head. Be aware of your clothing, shoes, and other things that protect you. As you recognize these protections, open to feeling increasingly protected. Be aware of things around you that are protective, such as stop signs and hospitals. Keep opening to feeling pro-tected. Allow a sense of protection and safety to sink in, becoming a part of you. Recognize some of the many resources in your life that could help you be safe, such as people who wish you well, who would stand with you and for you. Also resources inside you, such as endurance and determination. Open to feeling that there is a lot you can draw on. Challenges will come, but you've gor many ways to deal with them. Keep opening to feeling safer. Let needless worry fall away. Let go of any ten-sion. Let a sense of safety sink in and spread inside you. Notice that you are basically all right, right now. You may not have been all right in the past, and you may not be all right in the future, but in this moment you are OK, protected, and resourced. There may be pain, there may be hurt or sorrow off to the edges of your mind. But there is no mortal threat, no tiger about to pounce. You are fundamentally safe, moment after moment, breath after breath. Your heart is still beating, you are going on living, you are still all right. Let thoughts and feelings come and go. Abide with ease at the front edge of now. You are still breathing just fine, the next moment is passing through, you're still OK, you're safe now, safe in this moment, moment after moment, basically all right, right...now.

Getting angry at others is like throwing hot coals with bare hands-both people get burned.

Ask yourself, 'How much of this really matters?' Much of what bothers people does not directly harm them or those they care about.

Anger is natural, and it indicates needs that don't feel met. Suppressing it usually creates more problems than solutions.

The pace of modern life fosters chronic sympa-netic activation, which is stressful for your body, mind, and relationships. So look for regular opportunities to engage the parasympathetic nervous system, such as relaxation or meditation.

Anger puts a lot of wear and tear on your jody and mind, and it feeds conflicts with others. You can be powerful and assertive without being angry.

Chapter 8: Motivation

“Wisdom is choosing a greater happiness over a lesser one.” - The Buddha

The shift from liking to wanting marks the tipping point from the green zone to the red zone, from an underlying feeling of fullness and balance to a sense of something lacking, something wrong. It's extremely useful to become aware of this transition in real time. Then you can shift back into simply liking, and pursue opportunities and enjoy pleasures without adding the stress that comes from wanting.

There's a saying that liking without wanting is heaven, but wanting without liking is hell. When you like something without wanting it, you're able to enjoy it fully. There is no tension around the experience, no holding on to it or fearing when it will end. In the moment, there is freedom from want. Then your beneficial experiences tend to last longer and feel more rewarding.

“I make myself rich by making my wants few.” - Henry David Thoreau

Anticipated rewards are frequently disappoint-ing. Even the best experiences are impermanent. These two facts can create a chronic sense that something is missing, something is wanting. This pushes us to keep seeking the next shiny object, the next experience.

See what it feels like to enjoy something distinct from wanting it. Be aware of a sense of ease in your body. Observe how your thoughts remain open and flexible. Notice that you can enjoy something without adding the stressful drivenness of wanting to it.

Also notice the persuasions and sometimes manipulations of others who try to get you to want things-usually for their own sake, not yours.

The fact that wanting arises in awareness is not itself a problem. It is natural to want. The problem is that we privilege experiences of wanting and let them control us. Just because there is an experience of wanting does not mean you have to do something. The crux is not whether wanting arises but what your relationship to it is.

Take a few breaths and relax. Notice that you are breathing... that your heart is beating...that you are going on living. There may be pain, illness, or disability, and there may be sorrow and suffering...and meanwhile you can focus on what is sufficient, on what is functioning. It could be good to have more...and still there is an enoughness already. Let the sense of this enoughness sink in. Recognize the nurturing fullness of the natural world, including its offering of oxygen to breathe and food to eat. No matter what might be missing in your life, there is still the abundance of nature, so many kinds of living things enabling you to live. Let yourself feel supported, protected, and fed by the fullness of life. Consider the fullness of the material universe.your body consisting of countless atoms, already present, already made, nothing you need to do to create them...the fabric of matter and energy, space and time, from which you are woven already. Rest in this fullness, not needing to understand it, simply receiving it. Be mindful of so much appearing in awareness in each moment...so many sounds, sensations, images, emotions, and thoughts. Relax and recognize the almost overwhelming inherent fullness of ordinary experience itself. Allow the sense of this fullness to fill you. Recognize that it's all right that experiences keep passing away, since they are continually replaced by new experiences. Let yourself feel filled by whatever arises in awareness even as it passes away. Already so full, let go of wanting anything more.

Sympathetic nervous system + positive emotion = healthy passion

Sympathetic nervous system + negative emotion = unhealthy stress

Most of the trouble we get into is about not our deepest aims but how we go about achieving them. Consider a desire that's been troubling for you, perhaps for certain foods or experiences, and ask yourself: 'What's the deep aim at the bottom of it?' And when you get the answer, ask yourself: 'How could I pursue this aim in better ways?'

It is not a character flaw to have relatively few dopamine receptors. It just means that a person is aided by increasing three things: the amount of re-ward, the attention on it, and the sensitivity to it. In fact, increasing these three things will help anyone to keep inclining the brain, and therefore the mind, in a positive direction. You can increase the amount of reward in several ways: •Choose activities that are more stimulating and pleasurable (e.g., get exercise through playing a sport rather than jogging on a treadmill). •Add new rewards, such as doing an activity with other people. •Vary the details of what you're doing. For ex-ample, if you're shifting your diet toward healthier meals, keep trying new recipes. •Take frequent short breaks, and then come back to the task. •Ask for frequent feedback, especially positive.

Pick something that you are trying to motivate in yourself. See yourself doing it, and at the same time imagine what would be enjoyable or important about it.

When you are doing whatever it is that you want to motivate, repeatedly focus on what feels pleasurable about it.

Keep looking for what could be fresh or surprising about what you're doing. Dopamine spikes when the brain encounters novelty.

When you are done, take a little time to savor the results.

There are natural variations in the quantity of dopamine receptors that individuals have. People with fewer receptors tend to need more rewards to stay motivated.

Chapter 9: Intimacy

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” - Helen Keller

A strong sense of autonomy-that you are your own person and make your own choices-fosters depth of intimacy. For example, when you feel grounded in your body, it's easier to stay open to the feelings of other people. When you take care of your needs, there's a natural receptivity to the needs of others. Knowing you can step back aids stepping in.

Return to your own experience, grounded in your body

Deliberately tell yourself things such as: 'I get to decide what's right for me.' 'I don't have to agree with you.' 'You and I are different and that's OK.' 'I do not have to give you what you want.'

Lock into the other persons eyes as appropriate. Notice any discomfort you may feel with eye contact. Don’t be invasive, but also be willing to extend the contact for a second or breath longer than you normaly would, it’s a profound way to recurve another person.

Settle into yourselfand relax. Bring to mind someone who has helped you, such as a parent or teacher. Be aware of this person's challenges, stress, and pain. Find a ten-derhearted concern, perhaps with soft thoughts such as 'May you not suffer... may this pain pass...may your health improve.' Embody and intensify the experience with a hand on your heart. Then shift from compassion to kindness, to wishing that the person be happy. Inside yourself, find a friendliness, perhaps lovingness. You could think: 'May you be successful... may you be at peace... may you know you are loved.' Bring to mind your mate or a friend. Be aware of this person's burdens, disap-pointments, and suffering. Open to compassion, with warmth in your heart and supportive thoughts such as 'May your job be less stressful... may the medical treatment go well.' Also find a sense of kindness and affection. Know what compassion and kindness feel like in your body, and let them establish themselves inside you, sinking in and becoming a part of you. Next, pick someone you feel neutral about. Imagine this person's losses, loneliness, and pain—and find compassion. Also find kindness and goodwill. You might think: 'May you be healthy...may you be safe…..may you live with ease...may you be truly пappy.' And then simply rest in a general sense of compassion and kindness, not focusing on any one person. Imagine waves of sweet concern, warmth, friendliness, and love rippling out from you. Sense that as you inhale, lovingness flows into you; as you exhale, lovingness flows out from you. Be aware of whatever is enjoyable, beautiful, or valuable in this experience. Give over to compassion and kindness, and let these carry you along.

In general, we're more inclined to be compassionate and kind toward people we think are like us in some way. Try to look for commonalities with others— particularly with those who seem very unlike you. For example, bring someone to mind and think: 'Just like me, you feel pain...You get hurt and angry when people treat you badly... You worry about your children...Just like me, you want to be happy.' See if you can get a sense of the person as once a child like you.

Relax and center yourself. Bring to mind the feeling of being cared about. Get a sense of others being on your side. Feel a core of strength and determination inside yourself. Think about someone who is difficult for you. Acknowledge to yourself what has been challenging, and how it's affected you, and what you plan to do about it. Then focus on the suffering of the person. You may need to look for an underlying strain, tension, or unhappiness-perhaps reaching back to childhood. But there is pain in everyone. And you can have compassion for it. If it helps, imagine how this person might act if there were less suffering inside. Understandably, you could want this person to treat you or others differently. You may want an apology, compensation, or justice. Alongside all that, you can also wish that this person not be in needless pain, not be miserable, and not have misfortune land on people that he or she loves. Get a sense of your basic decency and your desire to relieve the suffering of others. See if you can genuinely think this about the other person: 'May you not suffer.' Try to find other words as well, such as: 'I do not want to add to your pain...deep down, may you be at peace.' As you find compassion toward this person, you may feel less challenged or upset. Know that whatever this person has done cannot alter the fundamental goodness deep inside your own heart.

Do: remember they’ve had a hard day, start by saying what I agree with, call if I’m going to be late, leave early and arrive on time, admit my own part of the problem, try to anticipate their needs

Don’t: interrupt, lose my temper, hassle people, get caught up in proving my point, argue about the past, be over-critical

When you take care of your own needs, you naturally become more patient and generous with others.

It's much easier to stay out of the red zone when you are rested, well nourished, and happy.

Focusing on the faults of others creates deadlocks and resentment. It's better to practice unilateral virtue: focusing on your own responsibilities and personal code of conduct no matter what others do. This brings the 'bliss of blamelessness,' reduces conflicts, and increases the odds that others will treat you well.

Part 4: Relating

Chapter 10: Courage

“One is wise who is peaceable, friendly, and fearless.” - The Dhammapada

When important things are left unsaid, it leads to resentment, loneliness, and lost opportunities to discover your truth by speaking it. People in a relationship often don't say what they could about what's felt good and what's felt bad and what they really wish would be different.

Try to be very clear about what it is that you see, feel, and want in a particular relationship. Take some time to sort things out for yourself. Imagine saying everything in your heart to a friend or perhaps a spiritual being. You could write a letter you'll never send. If appropriate, talk about the relationship with someone else to unpack what's been happening and to consider what to do about it.

'I do want to talk with you, but if you keep speaking to me in that way I'm going to have to leave.'

You can't make other people treat you in a certain way, but you can say what you want.

Start with joining. When we feel connected to other people, it’s easier to solve the problems together.

Wise speech is: 1. Well intended: is aimed at helping, not hurting; is not based on ill will 2. True: everything need not be said, but whatever is said is accurate and honest 3. Beneficial: is enjoyable or useful to others, one-self, or both 4. Timely: comes when it is appropriate 5. Not harsh: what is said may be firm, passionate, or heated, but the tone and words are not mean, belittling, or abusive There's a sixth standard to be followed if possible, with speech that is: 6. Wanted: be thoughtful about intruding upon others; nonetheless, speak up as you judge best

It's not what we say, but how we say it, that's often most hurtful or provocative to others.

As you use wise speech, get a sense of what this way of communicating feels like in your body, including your facial expressions, tone of voice, gestures, and posture. Repeatedly take in this sense, enriching and absorbing it, so wise speech becomes increasingly embodied and automatic for you.

Nonviolent communication (NVC): 'When X happens I feel Y because I need Z.' The first part, X, is described as factually as possible, like a neutral observer might. The second part, Y, is about your experience, especially your emotions, sensations, and desires, instead of your opinions, judgments, or problem-solving. The third part, Z, names one or more universal, understandable human needs that underlie what you feel.

Values include priorities, principles, and preferences

What we communicate has three inherent elements: the content, the emotional tone, and an implicit statement about the nature of the relationship. We tend to put the most attention on crafting the content, but it's usually the emotional tone and message about the relationship that have the most impact.

It can be humbling to realize how often we have only a partial picture of what's going on, and how often we surge into a reaction that we later regret.

times it will feel right to choose harmony instead of truth. But remember that you matter, that you are willing to be uncomfortable yourself when others try to repair with you—so you can ask the same of them-and that unresolved issues build up over time.

Even if you can't change something outside of yourself, at least inside your own mind you can pull back and you can limit the impacts of others upon you.

To assert yourself skillfully with someone, establish the facts and know your values. Focus on the results you want, consolidate your gains, and emphasize what will happen from now on. Make requests, not demands, and establish clear agreements.

Relationships are inherently unstable and naturally need repairs. It's a red flag if someone in a significant relationship is unwilling to repair it.

When you make repairs, double-check what you think happened. Then get on your own side and don't be embarrassed about telling others that you've been let down, hurt, or mistreated. If necessary, shrink the relationship to a size and shape that is safe for you.

Chapter 11: Aspiration

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” - Mary Oliver

Ask yourself: 'Do I plan on being that age? How do I want it to be?'

Imagine you're approaching the end of your life and looking back at it. What will you be glad you've done with the days that remain to you?

People with a growth mindset tend to be happier, more resilient, and more successful. Think of a big goal and what it would feel like to redefine success in terms of developing new skills, understanding others bet-ter, or acquiring knowledge. Then, no matter what occurs, you've still succeeded.

Bigs goals focus the mind, inspire us, and motivate sustained work. It's counterintuitive, but the bigger the goal, the more likely it could be that you will reach it.

The perhaps uncomfortable reality is that much of what shapes our lives is beyond our con-trol, including environmental, genetic, historical, cultural, and economic factors.

We can tend to the causes but can't control the results. All we can do is make the offering.

The days may be long, but the years are short. Use the time that you have.

Chapter 12: Generosity

“Who gives, one’s virtues shall increase.” - Digha Nikaya

The essence of generosity is altruism, giving without expecting anything in return.

To bring equanimity alongside compassion, it helps to stay grounded in your body, aware of the sensations of breathing as you feel the pain of other people.

“There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die, but those who do realize this, settle their quarrels.” - Buddha

'If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each [person's] life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any hostility.' - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The first step toward forgiving yourself is taking responsibility for what you did.

As you grow more, you give more. As you give, the world gives back—helping you become even more resili-ent.

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