Everything you see, smell, hear, taste and touch travels through your body in the form of electric signals. These signals pass from cell to cell until they reach their ultimate destination, your brain. They enter your brain at the base near the spinal cord, but must travel to your frontal lobe (behind your forehead) before reaching the place where rational, logical thinking takes place. The trouble is, they pass through your limbic system along the way—the place where emotions are produced. This journey ensures you experience things emotionally before your reason can kick into gear
All emotions are derivations of five core feelings: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and shame
Emotional hijackings — moments when your emotions control your behavior and you react without thinking
Since our brains are wired to make us emotional creatures, your first reaction to an event is always going to be an emotional one. You have no control over this part of the process. You do control the thoughts that follow an emotion, and you have a great deal of say in how you react to an emotion—as long as you are aware of it
A 'trigger event' generates a prolonged emotional reaction
Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships
Your IQ is fixed from birth
Intelligence is your ability to learn
EQ is a flexible skill that can be learned
The four emotional intelligence skills pair up under two primary competencies: personal competence and social competence
Personal competence is made up of your self-awareness and self-management skills. Personal competence is your ability to stay aware of your emotions and manage your behavior and tendencies
Social competence is made up of your social awareness and relationship management skills. Social competence is your ability to understand other people’s moods, behavior and motives in order to improve the quality of your relationships
Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations
Self-management is your ability to use your awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively
Real results come from putting your momentary needs on hold to pursue larger, more important goals. The realization of such goals is often delayed, meaning that your commitment to self-management will be tested over and over again
Social awareness is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them
Relationship management is your ability to use your awareness of your own emotions and those of others to manage interactions successfully. This ensures clear communication and effective handling of conflict
Solid relationships are some- thing that should be sought and cherished. They are the result of how you understand people, how you treat them, and the history you share
The weaker the connection you have with someone, the harder it is to get your point across
Self-awareness strategies: 1. Stop treating your feelings as good or bad. 2. Observe the ripple effect from your emotions. 3. Lean into your discomfort. 4. Feel your emotions physically. 5. Don't be fooled by a bad mood. 6. Don't be fooled by a good mood. 7. Seek feedback
Judging your emotions keeps you from really understanding what it is you are feeling
Refrain from putting an emotion into the good or bad pile and remind yourself that the feeling is there to help you understand something important
When you ignore or minimize an emotion, you miss the opportunity to do something productive with that feeling
Your emotions change all the time, and low moods will pass if you allow them to
When you are stuck in a down mood, it's not a good time to make important decisions
Your self-awareness will grow abundantly when you begin seeking out the source of your feelings
Self-awareness is necessary for effective self-management because you can only choose how to respond to an emotion actively when you're aware of it
Self-management strategies. 1. Breathe deep. 2. Make your goals public. 3. Count to ten. 4. Sleep on it. 5. Smile and laugh more. 6. Take control of your self-talk. 7. Visualize yourself succeeding. 8. Clean up your sleep hygiene. 9. Learn a valuable lesson from everyone you encounter.
If you clearly tell people what you are setting out to accomplish their awareness of your progress creates an incredible sense of accountability
Force yourself to wait for the dust to settle before you make a move
Visualizing yourself managing your emotions and behavior effectively is a great way to practice your new skills and make them into habits
Social awareness is centered on your ability to recognize and understand the emotions of others
Social awareness strategies: watch body language, plan ahead for social gatherings, practice the art of listening, step into their shoes
Maintained eye contact can show if a person is trustworthy, sincere, or caring
Treat people how they would want to be treated, not how you would want to be treated
Relationship management strategies: be open and be curious, enhance your natural communication style, take feedback well, build trust, have an 'open door' policy, only get mad on purpose, don't avoid the inevitable, acknowledge the other person's feelings, when you care, show it, explain your decisions, make your feedback direct and constructive
When people know about you, there's less room for them to misinterpret you
The more you show interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not misinterpreting them
People trust what they see over what they hear
Trust is built through open communication, willingness to share, consistency in words, actions, and behaviors, and reliability in following through on the agreements of the relationship
Instead of making a change and expecting others to just accept it, take time to explain the why behind the decision, including alternatives, and why the final choice made the most sense