Attached by Amir Levine

Attached

Relationships, Self-help
8.8/1040 min read

6/16/24

  • - The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

  • - Introduction: The New Science of Adult Attachment

  • - Chapter 1. Decoding Relationship Behavior

  • - Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

  • - Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving

  • - Anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back

  • - Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness

  • - Just over 50 percent are secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into a fourth, less common disorganized category

  • - If your parents were sensitive, available, and responsive, you should have a secure attachment style; if they were inconsistently responsive, you should develop an anxious attachment style; and if they were distant, rigid, and unresponsive, you should develop an avoidant attachment style. Today, however, we know that attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors also come into play, including our genes and life experiences.

  • - In prehistoric times, being close to a partner was a matter of life and death, and our attachment system developed to treat such proximity as an absolute necessity.

  • - In a very dangerous environment, it would be less advantageous to invest time and energy in just one person because he or she would not likely be around for too long; it would make more sense to get less attached and move on (and hence, the avoidant attachment style). Another option in a harsh environment is to act in the opposite manner and be intensely persistent and hypervigilant about staying close to your attachment figure (hence, the anxious attachment style). In a more peaceful setting, the intimate bonds formed by investing greatly in a particular individual would yield greater benefits for both the individual and his or her offspring (hence, the secure attachment style).

  • - Chapter 2. Dependency Is Not a Bad Word

  • - Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do. If Karen and Tim understood this, she would not feel ashamed of needing to hold his hand during the stress of a nationally televised race. For his part, Tim would have known that the simple gesture of holding Karen’s hand could give them the extra edge they needed to win.

  • - Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward.

  • - “Dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

  • - What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the wellbeing of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.

  • - Despite variations in the way people with different attachment styles learn to deal with these powerful forces—the secure and anxious types embrace them and the avoidants tend to suppress them—all three attachment styles are programmed to connect with a special someone.

  • - It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on—and this is the “dependency paradox.”

  • - If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.

  • - Having an attachment figure in the room was enough to allow a child to go out into a previously unknown environment and explore with confidence. This presence is known as a secure base. It is the knowledge that you are backed by someone who is supportive and whom you can rely on with 100 percent certainty and turn to in times of need. A secure base is a prerequisite for a child’s ability to explore, develop, and learn.

  • - When participants felt that their goals were supported by their partner, they reported an increase in self-esteem and an elevated mood after the discussion. They also rated higher the likelihood of achieving their goals after the discussion than before it. Participants who felt that their partner was more intrusive and/or less supportive, on the other hand, were less open to discussing their goals, did not confidently examine ways for achieving those goals, and tended to downgrade their goals during the course of the discussion.

  • - When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.

  • - Not only do they influence how we feel about ourselves but also the degree to which we believe in ourselves and whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.

  • - Part One: Your Relationship Toolkit—Deciphering Attachment Styles

  • - Chapter 3. Step One: What Is My Attachment Style?

  • - Attachment styles are stable but plastic. Knowing your specific attachment profile will help you understand yourself better and guide you in your interactions with others.

  • - Attachment style questionnaire

  • - I often worry that my partner will stop loving me. A

  • - I find it easy to be affectionate with my partner. B

  • - I fear that once someone gets to know the real me, s/he won’t like who I am. A

  • - I find that I bounce back quickly after a breakup. It’s weird how I can just put someone out of my mind. C

  • - When I’m not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious and incomplete. A

  • - I find it difficult to emotionally support my partner when s/he is feeling down. C

  • - When my partner is away, I’m afraid that s/he might become interested in someone else. A

  • - I feel comfortable depending on romantic partners. B

  • - My independence is more important to me than my relationships. C

  • - I prefer not to share my innermost feelings with my partner. C

  • - When I show my partner how I feel, I’m afraid s/he will not feel the same about me. A

  • - I am generally satisfied with my romantic relationships. B

  • - I don’t feel the need to act out much in my romantic relationships. B

  • - I think about my relationships a lot. A

  • - I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners. C

  • - I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner. A

  • - I have little difficulty expressing my needs and wants to my partner. B

  • - I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why. C

  • - I am very sensitive to my partner’s moods. A

  • - I believe most people are essentially honest and dependable. B

  • - I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person. C

  • - I’m comfortable sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with my partner. B

  • - I worry that if my partner leaves me I might never find someone else. A

  • - It makes me nervous when my partner gets too close. C

  • - During a conflict, I tend to impulsively do or say things I later regret, rather than be able to reason about things. A

  • - An argument with my partner doesn’t usually cause me to question our entire relationship. B

  • - My partners often want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. C

  • - I worry that I’m not attractive enough. A

  • - Sometimes people see me as boring because I create little drama in relationships. B

  • - I miss my partner when we’re apart, but then when we’re together I feel the need to escape. C

  • - When I disagree with someone, I feel comfortable expressing my opinions. B

  • - I hate feeling that other people depend on me. C

  • - If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out other people, I don’t let it faze me. I might feel a pang of jealousy, but it’s fleeting. B

  • - If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out other people, I feel relieved—it means s/he’s not looking to make things exclusive. C

  • - If I notice that someone I’m interested in is checking out other people, it makes me feel depressed. A

  • - If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, I may wonder what’s happened, but I’ll know it’s probably not about me. B

  • - If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, I’ll probably be indifferent; I might even be relieved. C

  • - If someone I’ve been dating begins to act cold and distant, I’ll worry that I’ve done something wrong. A

  • - If my partner was to break up with me, I’d try my best to show her/him what s/he is missing (a little jealousy can’t hurt). A

  • - If someone I’ve been dating for several months tells me s/he wants to stop seeing me, I’d feel hurt at first, but I’d get over it. B

  • - Sometimes when I get what I want in a relationship, I’m not sure what I want anymore. C

  • - I won’t have much of a problem staying in touch with my ex (strictly platonic)—after all, we have a lot in common. B

  • - B C A B B B A B B B B A B A B B

  • - A (Anxious) = 4. B (Secure) = 11, C (Avoidant) = 1

  • - Anxious: You love to be very close to your romantic partners and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. Relationships tend to consume a large part of your emotional energy. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions, and although your senses are often accurate, you take your partner’s behaviors too personally. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. If the other person provides a lot of security and reassurance, however, you are able to shed much of your preoccupation and feel contented.

  • - Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationships. You take things in stride when it comes to romance and don’t get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.

  • - Avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arm’s length. You don’t spend much time worrying about your romantic relationships or about being rejected. You tend not to open up to your partners and they often complain that you are emotionally distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement on your territory by your partner.

  • - If you feel comfortable with intimacy with your romantic partner (i.e., are low on intimacy avoidance) and don’t obsess much about the relationship or about your partner’s ability to love you back (i.e., are low on relationship anxiety) but coast along with it—you’re probably secure.

  • - If you crave intimacy and closeness (i.e., are low on intimacy avoidance) but have a lot of insecurities about where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does tend to set you off (i.e., are high on relationship anxiety)—you’re probably anxious.

  • - If you feel uncomfortable when things become too close and intimate and value your independence and freedom more than the relationship (i.e., are high on intimacy avoidance) and don’t tend to worry about your partner’s feelings or commitment toward you (i.e., are low on relationship anxiety)—you’re probably avoidant.

  • - If you are both uncomfortable with intimacy and very concerned about your partner’s availability, you have a rare combination of attachment anxiety and avoidance. Only a small percentage of the population falls into this category and if you are one of them, you can benefit from information on both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

  • - Chapter 4. Step Two: Cracking the Code—What Is My Partner's Style?

  • - Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Is he or she capable of giving me what I need?

  • - How much is this person capable of intimacy? Is he sending mixed messages or is he genuinely interested in being close?

  • - Keep in mind that when you’re excited about someone, your objectivity is compromised and you tend to create a rosy picture of him or her.

  • - In the initial stages of dating, however, it’s important to pay equal attention to all messages coming through and address them securely. This will help you determine if the relationship is right for you and ensure it is going in a positive direction.

  • - SCORING KEY

  • 1. Very untrue of him or her

  • 2. Moderately true of him or her

  • 3. Very true of him or her

  • - Group A (Avoidant): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 1, 1, 1, 3, 1, 1 = 14 (very low)

  • - Group B (Secure): 3, 2, 2, 2, 1, 3, 3, 2, 1, 2, 2 = 23 (high)

  • - Group C (Axious): 2, 3, 2, 1, 3, 3, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2 = 26 (high)

  • - Someone with an anxious attachment style craves intimacy but is also very sensitive to even the smallest of perceived threats to this closeness. Sometimes they’ll interpret your unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship. When this happens, they become flooded with apprehension, but they lack the skills to communicate their distress to you effectively. Instead, they resort to a lot of acting out and drama. This can create a vicious cycle as they become even more sensitive to slights and their distress is compounded. This does sound daunting, but before you call it quits, it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and nurturing enough to calm their fears—which is very doable—you will win a greatly loving and devoted partner. Once you are receptive to their basic needs for warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll be very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated. What’s more, they will also gradually learn how to communicate their fears and emotions better and you will need to second-guess them less and less.

  • - The five Golden Rules to help you home in on his or her attachment style:

  • 1. Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.

  • 2. Assess how preoccupied s/he is with the relationship and how sensitive s/he is to rejection.

  • 3. Don’t rely on one “symptom,” look for various signs.

  • 4. Assess his/her reaction to effective communication.

  • 5. Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.

  • - Part Two: The Three Attachment Styles in Everyday Life

  • - Chapter 5. Living with a Sixth Sense for Danger: The Anxious Attachment Style

  • - “All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love.” - Baruch Spinoza. So choose wisely when you are getting involved with someone, because the stakes are high: Your happiness depends on it.

  • - You're only as troubled as the relationship you're in.

  • - People with an anxious attachment style are indeed more vigilant to changes in others’ emotional expression and can have a higher degree of accuracy and sensitivity to other people’s cues.

  • - People with an anxious attachment style tend to jump to conclusions very quickly, and when they do, they tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state. Only when the experiment was designed in such a way that anxious participants had to wait a little longer—they couldn’t react immediately when they spotted a change, but had to wait a little longer—and get more information before making a judgment did they have an advantage over other participants. This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.

  • - Protest behaviors:

  • - Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: Calling, texting, or e-mailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by your partner’s workplace in hopes of running into him/her.

  • - Withdrawing: Sitting silently “engrossed” in the paper, literally turning your back on your partner, not speaking, talking with other people on the phone and ignoring him/her.

  • - Keeping score: Paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting just as long to return theirs; waiting for them to make the first “make-up” move and acting distant until such time. When Ryan decided not to leave a message for Shauna after she screened his calls, he was keeping score (“If she’s not answering my calls, I won’t leave her a message”).

  • - Acting hostile: Rolling your eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking (acting hostile can transgress to outright violence at times).

  • - Threatening to leave: Making threats—“ We’re not getting along, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” “I knew we weren’t really right for each other,” “I’ll be better off without you”—all the while hoping s/he will stop you from leaving.

  • - Manipulations: Acting busy or unapproachable. Ignoring phone calls, saying you have plans when you don’t.

  • - Making him/her feel jealous: Making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out with friends to a singles bar, telling your partner about someone who hit on you today.

  • - Finding a secure partner in the first place is the best option available for you if you are single. It can work like magic to prevent hardship before it even starts—but going secure might be trickier than you think.

  • - She didn’t know that she had an anxious attachment style. If she had known, she would have understood that being anxious means that she thrives on intimate, supportive relationships that are stable and long-lasting, and that uncertainty and emotional unavailability get her activated and preoccupied, or in a word, miserable. She would also have known that certain people—namely, avoidants—intensify her worries and feelings of inadequacy, while others—secures—pacify them.

  • - Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually complement each other in a way. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.

  • - Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.

  • - Avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer periods of time.

  • - People with a secure attachment style take a very long time to reappear in the dating pool, if at all.

  • - Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.

  • - Say you decide to follow the advice of many popular relationship books. They offer guidelines to help you “land” a partner, such as: Don’t make yourself too available, say you’re busy even when you’re not, don’t call him—wait for him to call you, don’t appear to care too much, act mysterious. Presumably, you preserve your dignity and independence in this way and gain your partner’s respect. But in fact, what you are doing is behaving in a way that is not true to your genuine needs and feelings. You wave these aside to appear strong and self-sufficient. And indeed, these books and the advice they give are right; these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive. What they don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science, is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind of partner—an avoidant one.

  • - A coaching session for the anxious attachment style on a date:

  • 1. Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs.

  • - Don’t let people make you feel guilty for acting “needy” or “dependent.” Don’t be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.

  • 2. Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects early on.

  • - Sends mixed messages—about his/her feelings toward you or about his/her commitment to you.

  • - Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you.

  • - Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible.

  • - Disregards your emotional well-being—and when confronted, continues to disregard it.

  • - Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and making you second-guess yourself.

  • - Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or her—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead.

  • - Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”— responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account.

  • - Your messages don’t get across—despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, he or she doesn’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.

  • 3. A new way of dating: Be your authentic self and use effective communication.

  • - Most anxious people easily fall into the trap that relationship books—and society at large—set for them. They feel that they are too demanding and needy and so they try to accommodate their partner’s need for distance and boundaries (if they’re involved with someone avoidant). It’s simply more socially acceptable to maintain a cool, self-sufficient façade. So they hide their wishes and mask their discontent. In actuality, you are missing out when you do so, because by expressing those needs you achieve two goals. First, you are being your authentic self, which has been found to contribute to our general feelings of happiness and fulfillment, and being happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most attractive traits you can offer a partner. Second and no less important, once you are your authentic self, if your partner is incapable of meeting your genuine needs, you can determine that early on.

  • 4. The abundance philosophy.

  • - Abundance (or “plenty of fish in the sea”) philosophy—understanding that there are many unique and wonderful individuals out there who may be superb partners for you. Try giving several people a chance, without settling on one person very early on, making sure to give a wide berth to those with potential smoking guns.

  • - There are many charming, intelligent people out there who can make you happy, but there are also many who are not right for you. The only way to make sure that you meet potential soul mates is to go out with a lot of people. It’s a simple law of probability—the more you meet, the greater the chances you’ll find the one who is a good match for you.

  • - If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. One night of sex or even just a passionate kiss and, boom, you already can’t get that person out of your mind.

  • - Once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other person’s closeness and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know him/her and decide whether you like that person or not! If you are seeing only him/her, the result is that at a very early stage you lose your ability to judge whether he or she is really right for you.

  • 5. Give secure people a chance.

  • - Remind yourself that you might feel bored at first—after all, there is less drama when your attachment system isn’t activated.

  • - Chapter 6. Keeping Love at Arm's Length: The Avoidant Attachment Style

  • - 'Happiness is only real when shared.' - Into the Wild

  • - Experiences are only meaningful when shared with others—is key to your happiness as well.

  • - You can learn what does not come naturally to you and improve your chances at developing a rewarding relationship.

  • - It’s important to remember that the avoidant attachment style always manifests itself. It determines to a great extent what you expect in relationships, how you interpret romantic situations, and how you behave with your date or partner. Whether you are single or involved in a relationship, even a committed one, you are always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.

  • - People with a secure attachment style find it easy to accept their partners, flaws and all, to depend on them, and to believe that they’re special and unique.

  • - Examine the following list of deactivating strategies carefully. The more you use these tools, the more alone you’ll feel and the less happy you’ll be in your relationship.

  • - Saying (or thinking) “I’m not ready to commit”—but staying together nonetheless, sometimes for years.

  • - Focusing on small imperfections in your partner: the ways/he talks, dresses, eats, or (fill in the blank) and allowing it to get in the way of your romantic feelings.

  • - Pining after an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend—(the “phantom ex”—more on this later).

  • - Flirting with others—a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship.

  • - Not saying “I love you”—while implying that you do have feelings toward the other person.

  • - Pulling away when things are going well (e.g., not calling for several days after an intimate date).

  • - Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is married.

  • - “Checking out mentally” when your partner is talking to you.

  • - Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy—to maintain your feeling of independence.

  • - Avoiding physical closeness—e.g., not wanting to share the same bed, not wanting to have sex, walking several strides ahead of your partner.

  • - If you’re avoidant, these small everyday deactivating strategies are tools you unconsciously use to make sure the person that you love (or will love) won’t get in the way of your autonomy. But at the end of the day, these tools are standing in the way of you being happy in a relationship.

  • - It prevents you (and the person you love) from the joy of feeling part of something bigger than yourself.

  • - They tend to see the glass half-empty instead of halffull when it comes to their partner.

  • - His wife’s well-being is his responsibility and sacred duty.

  • - These are the two trickiest tools that you may be using to shortchange yourself in love. You convince yourself that you have a true longing for someone from your past or that the right person is just around the corner and you can easily undermine yourself in love.

  • - They rarely search inside themselves for the reason for their dissatisfaction, and even more rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests they do so. Unfortunately, until they look inward or seek counseling, change is not likely to occur.

  • - Eight things you can start doing today to stop pushing love away

  • 1. Learn to identify deactivating strategies

  • - Don’t act on your impulse. When you’re excited about someone but then suddenly have a gut feeling that s/he is not right for you, stop and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back?

  • - If you thought s/he was great to begin with, you have a lot to lose by pushing him or her away.

  • 2. De-emphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support.

  • - When your partner feels s/he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn’t feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you’ll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing. You’ll become more independent and your partner will be less needy.

  • 3. Find a secure partner.

  • - People with secure attachment styles tend to make their anxious and avoidant partners more secure as well.

  • - Someone with an anxious attachment style, however, will exacerbate your avoidance—often in a perpetual vicious cycle.

  • 4. Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

  • - Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship.

  • - Remind yourself that this is your partner, you chose to be together, and that maybe you’re better off trusting that they do have your best interests at heart.

  • 5. Make a relationship gratitude list.

  • - Your objective should be to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. This may not be an easy task, but with practice and perseverance, you’ll gradually get the hang of it.

  • - Take time every evening to think back on the events of the day. List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.

  • 6. Nix the phantom ex.

  • - When you find yourself idealizing that one special ex-partner, stop and acknowledge that he or she is not (and never was) a viable option.

  • - By remembering how critical you were of that relationship—and how leery you were of committing—you can stop using him or her as a deactivating strategy and focus on someone new.

  • 7. Forget about “the one.”

  • - Don’t wait until “the one” who fits your checklist shows up and then expect everything to fall into place. Make them into your soul mate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close and making them a special part of you.

  • 8. Adopt the distraction strategy.

  • - Focusing on other things—taking a hike, going sailing, or preparing a meal together—will allow you to let your guard down and make it easier to access your loving feelings.

  • - Chapter 7. Getting Comfortably Close: The Secure Attachment Style

  • - Not only do people with a secure attachment style fare better in relationships, they also create a buffering effect, somehow managing to raise their insecure partner’s relationship satisfaction and functioning to their own high level.

  • - Great conflict busters—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.

  • - Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism. They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies.

  • - Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.

  • - Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games?

  • - Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.” Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.

  • - Quick to forgive—They assume their partners’ intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.

  • - Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two (by being close either emotionally or sexually but not both).

  • - Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.

  • - Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others, which makes this assumption logical.

  • - Responsible for their partners’ well-being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

  • - A person will develop a secure attachment style if her parents are sensitive and responsive to her needs.

  • - Among the factors that were found to increase a child’s chance of being secure were an easy temperament (which makes it easier for parents to be responsive), positive maternal conditions—marital satisfaction, low stress and depression, and social support—and fewer hours with a nonparental caretaker.

  • - The equation of a caring and sensitive parent producing a secure-for-life child is too one-dimensional; instead it seems that an entire mosaic of factors comes together to create this attachment pattern: our early connection with our parents, our genes, and also something else—our romantic experiences as adults. On average, about 70 to 75 percent of adults remain consistently in the same attachment category at different points in their lives, while the remaining 30 to 25 to 30 percent of the population report a change in their attachment style.

  • - Researchers attribute this change to romantic relationships in adulthood that are so powerful that they actually revise our most basic beliefs and attitudes toward connectedness. And yes, that change can happen in both directions—secure people can become less secure and people who were originally insecure can become increasingly secure.

  • - One of the most important roles we play in our partners’ lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence.

  • - You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors:

  • - Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.

  • - Don’t interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation, micromanage, or undermine their confi dence and abilities.

  • - Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.

  • - One of the tools most frequently used by people with a secure attachment style is effective communication—they simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts. If their partner shows true concern for their wellbeing and a willingness to find a middle ground, they’ll give the relationship a chance. If not, they won’t stick around to fight what they believe to be a losing battle

  • - If you’re secure but start to feel agitated, worried, or jealous (anxious traits), or if you find yourself thinking twice before expressing your feelings, or are becoming less trusting of or starting to play games with your partner (avoidant traits), it is a huge warning sign and very likely that you’re with the wrong person or that you’ve been through a difficult experience that has shaken the core of your secure foundation.

  • - If you’re still in the relationship, remember that just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to. If you’re unhappy after having tried every way to make things work, chances are that you should move on. It’s in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you’re secure.

  • - Part Three: When Attachment Styles Clash

  • - Chapter 8. The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

  • - It takes two willing individuals to create intimacy.

  • - While people with an anxious or secure attachment style seek to resolve a disagreement to achieve greater emotional closeness, this outcome is uncomfortable for the avoidant who actually seeks to remain distant. In order to dodge the possibility of getting closer, avoidants tend to grow more hostile and distant as arguments progress.

  • - Chapter 9: Escaping the Anxious-Avoidant Trap: How the Anxious-Avoidant Couple Can Find Greater Security

  • - Perhaps one of the most intriguing findings in adult attachment research is that attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means that they tend to stay consistent over time, but they can also change.

  • - When people can recall a past relationship with a secure person or be inspired by a secure role model in their lives, they are often successful at adopting secure ways. As a person’s attachment style gradually changes toward greater security, he or she behaves more constructively in relationships and even enjoys better mental and physical health.

  • - Priming for security can be as simple as thinking about secure people around you and how they behave in their relationships.

  • - We can tap into our attitudes toward our pets as a secure resource within us—we don’t assume our pets are doing things purposely to hurt us, we don’t hold grudges even when they eat something they shouldn’t or make a mess, we still greet them warmly when we come home (even after a rough day at the office), and we stick by them no matter what.

  • - Relationship inventory

  • 1. Name of partners

  • 2. What is/was the relationship like? What recurrent patterns can you recall?

  • 3. Situation that triggered activation or deactivation of attachment system

  • 4. My reaction (thoughts, feelings, actions)

  • 5. Insecure attachment working models and principles

  • 6. How I lose out by succumbing to these working models/principles

  • 7. Identify a secure role model who is relevant to this situation and secure principles to adopt. How is s/he relevant?

  • - Ask yourself how the secure role models (or integrated secure role model) can shed new light on the relationship issues you are/were dealing with.

  • - What would they do if they were in such a situation?

  • - Which point of view would they bring to the table?

  • - What would they tell you if they knew you were dealing with this issue?

  • - How is your experience with them relevant to the situation?

  • - Chapter 10. When Abnormal Becomes the Norm : An Attachment Guide to Breaking Up

  • - Avoidant men and women were more likely to engage in less sex if their partner had an anxious attachment style

  • - If you can’t decide to break up, ask yourself whether you are treated like royalty or like the enemy. If you’re the enemy, it’s time to go.

  • - Build a support network ahead of time. Start to open up to friends and family about what your relationship is really like. This will rekindle friendships you might have neglected due to shame or plain misery, and will also prepare them to help you when you make your move.

  • - Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the first few nights. You’ll need all the support you can get at first. The temptation to rebound is very strong. Parents, siblings, or your closest friends can help you control that urge.

  • - Part Four: The Secure Way—Sharpening Your Relationship Skills

  • - Chapter 11. Effective Communication: Getting the Message Across

  • - In order to be happy in a relationship, we need to find a way to communicate our attachment needs clearly without resorting to attacks or defensiveness.

  • - If the other person shows a sincere wish to understand your needs and put your well-being first, your future together has promise. If he or she brushes your concerns aside as insignificant, or makes you feel inadequate, foolish, or self-indulgent, you can conclude that this person doesn’t sincerely have your best interests in mind and you are probably incompatible.

  • - If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and security, you have a green light to go ahead with the relationship. If, however, your partner tries to evade important topics, acts defensively, or makes you feel foolish or needy, you should heed it as a serious warning sign.

  • - Often, insecure people cannot get in touch with what is really bothering them. They get overwhelmed by emotions and lash out. Studies show that people with a secure attachment style don’t react so strongly, don’t get overwhelmed as easily, and can thus calmly and effectively communicate their own feelings and tend to the needs of their partners.

  • - She also began to discover that more often than not, the reasons why people behave unkindly toward her have nothing to do with her attractiveness or desirability.

  • - If you are avoidant, the first step, therefore, is to acknowledge your need for space—whether emotional or physical—when things get too close, and then learn how to communicate that need. Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy and that it’s not a problem with him or her but rather your own need in any relationship (this bit is important!).

  • - When expressing your needs, it’s helpful to use verbs such as need, feel, and want, which focus on what you are trying to accomplish and not on your partner’s shortcomings

  • - Your relationship needs are valid—period. Though people with different attachment styles may not see your concerns as legitimate, they’re essential for your happiness, and expressing them authentically is crucial to effective communication. This point is especially important if you have an anxious attachment style, because our culture encourages you to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what’s important.

  • - It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response—whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.

  • - Chapter 12. Working Things Out: Five Secure Principles for Dealing with Conflict

  • - Attachment researchers have learned that conflicts can serve as an opportunity for couples to get closer and deepen their bond.

  • - One of the cruelest punishments a human being can endure is solitary confinement; we’re social creatures and live best in relation to others.

  • - We often view conflict as a zero-sum game: either you get your way or I get mine. But attachment theory shows us that our happiness is actually dependent on our mate’s and vice versa. The two are inextricable.

  • - The next time you decide to skip the Sunday morning cuddle in bed for a chance to catch up on your work—think again. This small act might be enough to immunize your relationship against confl ict for the next few days.

  • - When a dispute arises, they experience many negative thoughts and react by using protest behavior, aimed at getting their partner’s attention. They may make strong accusations, cry, or give their partner the silent treatment. Fearful that their partner is likely to be inattentive to their needs, they feel they need to really leave their mark in order to be heard. Their response, though often dramatic, is usually ineffective.

  • - Insecure assumptions interfere with conflict resolution. Specifically, being centered on your own needs and hurts can cause a lot of trouble. Fear that someone isn’t as emotionally involved as you, or doesn’t want to be as close as you’d like to be, is understandable. But in conflict situations, such preoccupations can be very damaging.

  • - Try to keep a number of truths in mind when you are in the midst of a fight:

  • - A single fight is not a relationship breaker.

  • - Express your fears! Don’t let them dictate your actions. If you’re afraid that s/he wants to reject you, say so.

  • - Don’t assume you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. It is most likely not because of you.

  • - Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and go ahead and express your needs.

  • - Don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking. If you haven’t told him/her what’s on your mind, s/he doesn’t know!

  • - Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means. When in doubt, ask.

  • - It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations.

  • - Expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity. Though you may have to talk yourself into believing the “positive truths” above (even if only halfheartedly at first), it is well worth the effort.

  • - Epilogue

  • - The first misconception is that everyone has the same capacity for intimacy. We’ve been raised to believe that every person can fall deeply in love (this part might well be true) and that when this happens, he or she will be transformed into a different person (this part is not!). Regardless of what they were like before, when people find “the one,” they supposedly become adoring, faithful, supportive partners—free of qualms about the relationship. It’s tempting to forget that, in fact, people have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.

  • - The second common misconception we fell victim to is that marriage is the be-all and end-all. Romantic stories tend to end there, and we are all tempted to believe that when someone gets married, it’s unequivocal proof of the power of love to transform; that the decision to marry means they’re now ready for true closeness and emotional partnership. We don’t like to admit that people might enter marriage without having these goals in mind, let alone the ability to achieve them. In this book, however, we’ve shown how mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage, even for people who love each other greatly. If you are in such a relationship, don’t feel guilty for feeling incomplete or unsatisfied. After all, your most basic needs often go unmet, and love alone isn’t enough to make the relationship work.

  • - The third hard-to-shed misconception we fell for is that we alone are responsible for our emotional needs; they are not our partner’s responsibility. Instead of recognizing that someone who blatantly disregards our emotions is not going to be a good partner, we accept this attitude. Again, we must constantly remind ourselves: In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

  • - Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts:

  • - Your attachment needs are legitimate.

  • - You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closest to—it is part of your genetic makeup.

  • - A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake-up call!

  • - Remain true to your authentic self— playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding true happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else.

  • #UseTwos ✌️

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